Recently in Heavy Category

And spending the height of summer just breathing it in does nothing to delay autumn's gloomy arrival...
 
Sigh...

It's amazing how quickly the weather disintegrates around here...

It's like the door closes on summer and we are in a full blown hurry to get on with the business of fall...

And its rain...

And gloom...

And chill...

And by the time the sun sees fit to show itself again, it will be to illuminate the crispness of the air and the litter of summer falling to the ground...

Stronger than steel...

The porcelain shards fall to the ground with heart-rending notes... But the wireframe hidden beneath cuts through flesh without mercy...

It is an act of survival... to learn to give and give... while maintaining that fierce inward focus...

To give without thought... is to be devoured...

To pierce the veil is to perish...

Little snippets of this and that...
Thoughts and feelings I don't want to forget... Pictures I want to capture before they evaporate...
 
Sometimes I post them someplace...
Most often I put them in a folder and leave them there...
 
When I go back to them later I often think... 'Did I write THAT??'
 
'WHAT was I thinking?  How could I have thought THAT made sense'
'Or was important'
'Or meaningful...'
 
Sometimes I'm embarassed at myself...
 
And I wonder, how do they do it?

You know, the real artists... the ones who lay their pain and anguish and happiness and self-loathing and anger out for everyone to see...

Do they go back later and wish they'd just kept it to themselves?
 
Or do they just not go back?

photo: chicago.metablogs.archives

all the pretty shiny tendrils…
letting them slide off to who knows where…


The wounds she did not close…
The blood ran down in silvery threads and gathered in pools at her feet…


She didn’t want it to stop…
She didn’t want it not to hurt…


She sat outside on top of the moon and fed the lilacs…
The shimmering threads that flowed from tiny cuts…


Giving light where there was none…



Photo: Mine

Burn the leaves...
The letters...
The unfinished pages...

Focus, magnify... watch for a tendril of smoke...
Shoo the ants away (that child was not me...)

Still... fires... rising smoke...

Closets full of old clothes, old memories...
Keep everything... until you can't remember why...

Is it better to burn it all and wish you had it back...

Or be unable to find it underneath a mountain of regret?

photo: gallery.hd.org

In these jeans of his with her name still on 'em


If the rain pours down cold and relentless...

And washes away what's left of my delusions...

Revealing a blackened scar from a day long forgotten...

What then?

And if I look closely, more closely than I've ever looked before, and strip away the blackness to reveal the gaping emptiness beneath...

What then?

And when the last of an ancient scar is stripped away and screams pour forth with the mouths of angels filling the sky with their angry tears drowining even the rain....

What shall I do with myself then...

When I have nothing else to hide from myself...

Not the lies not the anger not the silencing of my soul...

And the holes are patched with gold and silver and branching light that stretches out further than even time can see...

What then?

Hey but I don't care 'cause sometimes I hear my voice and it's been here...
Silent all these years...


lyrics: Tori Amos
photo: TC Mathotra

It takes a fair amount of force of will...

To hang suspended in mid-air instead of falling straight down into the abyss...



(Fortunately, that sometimes pays off...)

photo: Peninsula Camera Club

I shouldn't do this to myself...

My love is pure...

I know better...

I saw an angel... of that I'm sure...

I rarely love a song the first time I hear it...

You're beautiful...

Yet sometimes...

You're beautiful...

Something about a song...

You're beautiful... it's true...

Pierces me right through...

I saw your face in a croweded place...

Makes me think about things I don't want to think about...

and I don't know what to do...

But then...

cause I'll never be with you...

Such things will not be denied...

There must be an angel with a smile on her face...

They just won't...

But it's time to face the truth... I will never be with you...

photo: myvillage.com
lyrics: James blunt

Will you tell me you already ate?

Cause that would suck...





photo: Victorian Trading Company

Turns out it really was a good solution…
Being your own person, being different… is a skill serves you well throughout your life…

But damn it's hard in the early years isn't it?

And watching my own daughter struggle with it… makes me cry…

I know she will be happier for it in the long run...

She's happier now...
Except when she's lonely...

(Why does high school have to suck???)


photo: www.nicolepangelinan.com