Color of Nothing

Have you ever had to use the sun...

2006-10-06T01:18:10Z

To circumnavigate your own neighborhood??

ahem... yes... well...

They say that in the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is king...

And in the land of the directionally challenged I would be flipping burgers at the local GreasyKing (that is if I ever FOUND it)!!

So anyway...

I was feeling rather ambitious today, and with the beautiful sunshine beckoning me (how much more of THAT will we get around HERE you know) I decided to go for a walk.

Now I have been rather lax in terms of working out lately (and when I say lax I mean non-existent and when I say lately I mean oh the last couple of YEARS or so) but I'm trying to get better about that. I have this new cool gadget for my iPod (can you say WHORE?) which will tell me how fast I'm walking and how far I've gone and just how long I've been torturing myself and so lured by technology I set myself a goal of walking for 45 minutes but I would have been impressed with myself if I'd made it 30.

(Que foreshadowing music)

I put on some cool techno and the lovely lady in my ears was being VERY encouraging so I walked through my sub and into the next thinking I would wind around through a few streets and come out on the main street that runs along my sub and then have a nice stretch back home...

Sadly though... the first 5 minutes too WAY longer than I expected and the second 5 minutes didn't come any more quickly... I was starting wonder what I had gotten myself into when I got distracted by something shiny and just stopped thinking about it...

Now let me pause here to say that I walk really fast... I am a fast walker by almost anyone's standards (I once dated a guy who was 6'7" and he almost couldn't keep up) so it started to seem like it wasn't going to be a big deal to make this goal after all...

I reached the 30 minute mark and told myself it was all downhill from here and however long I'd been going once I got back home was JUST FINE... I came to the busy road and started walking back in the direction of home... As I was walking I made a mental note to try to figure out how far I'd come next time I was in my car and was thinking about how different things look when you are moving more slowly...

(Que that damned music again!)

And then I came to the elementary school... the one that's... MILES from my house... the one I could probably find if I was driving my car but is WAY too far to have gotten to by foot... confused but still determined I continued forward when I came to a street sign I recognized and realized that not only was I REALLY far from home, but that I wasn't even sure about what the shortest way to get home from there WAS...

Since I could no longer fool myself into thinking I was headed toward home, I turned around and started back the other way wondering what were the chances that someone I knew would feel sorry for me and give me a ride home!!

Right about that time my gadget girlie announced triumphantly that I had MET my goal (of 45 minutes) and could END my workout by pressing the menu button... I'm sure I didn't say any bad words out loud (or at least I'm sure there were no impressionable children around) and amazingly enough, I didn't pitch the thing into the nearest bush...

Well by this time I had NO clue which streets would take me back home so there I was staring at the sun trying to keep my bearings and resist the urge to hitchhike... All the while being comforted by a cheery voice chirping 'you are 5 minutes past your goal'... 'You are 10 minutes past your goal!' (You are jealous, I can tell!!)

(Que triumphant Rocky music)

I reached the one hour (and 4 mile) mark just as I got to my driveway, and managed to remember the combination to my garage door opener and stumble up the stairs and into the house without bumping my head on anything before I collapsed in a heap in the middle of the floor... (Yeah... that was my cool down... lying in a heap, whimpering... what of it???)

It's a good thing I'm planning to just lie around and eat on my cruise, 'cause I'm SURE I STILL won't be able to move by then!!

Dreaming of spiders...

2006-09-24T12:53:15Z

I've been dreaming of spiders lately... not a lot, but often enough to make me wonder why...

Normally, I never remember my dreams at all, so the fact that I have been recently makes me wonder in and of itself...

I'm never afraid of them, and I never kill them (though once one transformed itself into a floating frog's head of doom, which I had to swat aside...)

They are often light or white colored...

In today's dream, I was leaving work and I walked through a door and set down my bag to close the door and when I looked there was a huge spider on it... I nudged the bag and the spider crawled across it and down. As it crawled off the bag, it contorted itself into a shape that resembled a small 4 legged mammal... And I got the feeling it didn't want to be recognized as a spider...

Strange... the 4 legged part...

So I did a Google search on 'dreams spider'...

Well... I am relieved to know that I am either in for some great good luck, money, or creativity...

OR

I am frightened, running into frustrations at work or using my feminine wiles to enstare some poor unsuspecting man...

HAHAHA!!

I can't believe how many OPPOSING interpretations there were...

All on one site even...

I guess I can just believe what I WANT to believe...

Oh WAIT... I do that already

photo: sfondideldesktop.com

Happy Birthday...

2006-09-23T17:04:56Z

When I look at you...

Even my edges are sharp and bright...

What I see reflected back to me is beautiful... intelligent... unstoppable... Even when all I see is darkness you still see light...

You point out all my dark places too, so I know you're not just blind... but instead of being frightened you revel in them... and so I can too...

I can drag you into the deepest chasms and never fear that you will finally see too much..

Some roots go deep... and yours go all the way to the center of the universe...

I'll never be as glorious as you think I am, but I've been able to find my way by following the light in your eyes...

photo: no it's NOT Scarlett Johanssen

And then there's fall...

2006-09-10T16:33:13Z

And spending the height of summer just breathing it in does nothing to delay autumn's gloomy arrival...

Sigh...

It's amazing how quickly the weather disintegrates around here...

It's like the door closes on summer and we are in a full blown hurry to get on with the business of fall...

And its rain...

And gloom...

And chill...

And by the time the sun sees fit to show itself again, it will be to illuminate the crispness of the air and the litter of summer falling to the ground...

Finding my religion...

2006-07-04T16:52:28Z

Or rather... Creating it...

The boundaries are those of my childhood, and even though I don't fit inside them anymore...

I haven't found any others that make any better sense than those...

They are all just more shapes on a page...

That's not to say I don't believe anything...

Because I do...

Perhaps I'll just take a crayon, or a jar of paint, or eyeshadow or stars...

And make my own outline...

In some places I suppose I would be considered the most dangerous of heretics...

Not because I don't believe...

But because I won't be bound...

photo: mine

Fragile, delicate...

2006-06-28T16:58:56Z

Stronger than steel...

The porcelain shards fall to the ground with heart-rending notes... But the wireframe hidden beneath cuts through flesh without mercy...

It is an act of survival... to learn to give and give... while maintaining that fierce inward focus...

To give without thought... is to be devoured...

To pierce the veil is to perish...

When will I learn to listen to the little voices in my head??

2006-06-26T13:42:29Z

As I've mentioned before, I have a new toy and a new obsession... It keeps me out of trouble more or less, so the family is happy about it (more or less)...

So we played golf yesterday afternoon, and as we were loading STUFF into the car, I considered taking my camera. I opted not to for a couple of reasons:

If you're lucky, golf moves fairly quickly (playing not watching HA!) so I didn't think I'd really have time...
Besides flowers and insects (and killer attack geese), I've never really seen anything remotely interesting on any of our local golf courses...

As it turns out... Not only was the course PACKED, and so play was exceedingly (IRRITATINGLY) slow, but while we were there we saw...

Two beautiful cranes...

AND

Not one, not two...

But three...

THREE!!!

Baby coyotes!!! They sauntered across the fairway right in front of us and sat on the sidelines playing while we waited for the people in front of us and I RANTED about not having my camera!!

DAMN!!!

photo: NOT mine since I SUCK!!!

Ever stay down in the valley so long...

2006-06-18T13:24:34Z

You forget what it's like to fly up over the top of the hill?

I think I even forgot how to breathe...

Ooooooh it's good to be flying again...

(I'll never give up this manic/depressive thing... the manic is far too GOOD to lose!!!)

I'm spinning and spinning and spinning and...

2006-06-17T16:50:49Z

Ok, so it's time to take a break from the entrepreneurial life and go back to being a working stiff for awhile...

(Yeah... giving up being my own boss will SUCK, but cash is GOOD and having someone else pay for my plane tickets for awhile will be a beautiful thing...)

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off (and yes I DO know what that looks like, having grown up in FARMERTOWN you know )... getting my life in order and making some decisions...

Now I have 3 weeks to lounge around being Beach Bum Barbie (oh, and to shop for shoes!!) before it's back on the hampster wheel...

Is creativity an expression of happiness? Or pain?

2006-06-12T14:22:13Z

Do you create when things are falling apart? Is it a way to express the pain that is too much to keep inside?

Or are your acts of creation an expression of joy that can only take place when sheltered by a happy and stable environment?

For me it tends to be a balance (oh we haven't heard THAT before)... When my world is unbalanced for whatever reason, I can't seem to calm down or relax enough to concentrate... I can't seem to share when the pain is at it's sharpest...

On the other hand... the intoxicating energy of a situation going well is sometimes enough to keep me swimming along just enjoying it... The wonderful moments seem just too... private... to share...

So perhaps then... creativity is an act of reflection... a translation to some other medium those moments of heightened pleasure or pain...

When I'm far enough away to see them more clearly...

photo: mine

Big pictures of little things...

2006-06-11T03:00:17Z

WooHOOO!! Got a new toy today...

One of these...

(So what do I immediately turn my focus to???)

I write a lot of things...

2006-06-06T15:24:32Z

Little snippets of this and that...
Thoughts and feelings I don't want to forget... Pictures I want to capture before they evaporate...

Sometimes I post them someplace...
Most often I put them in a folder and leave them there...

When I go back to them later I often think... 'Did I write THAT??'

'WHAT was I thinking? How could I have thought THAT made sense'
'Or was important'
'Or meaningful...'

Sometimes I'm embarassed at myself...

And I wonder, how do they do it?

You know, the real artists... the ones who lay their pain and anguish and happiness and self-loathing and anger out for everyone to see...

Do they go back later and wish they'd just kept it to themselves?

Or do they just not go back?

photo: chicago.metablogs.archives

Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 06-06-06!!

2006-06-05T14:33:50Z

Anyone wanna party in Hell* with me tomorrow???

(What? you didn't know Stepford was just an hour east of hell???)

And then head over to Climax* for the afterparty???

(Who said Michigan was no fun???)

*Actual Michigan cities
photo: actual mapquest route proving you have to go through HELL to get to Climax (from Stepford anyway!!!)

Discovered!!

2006-06-02T12:36:30Z

The secret to the baby bird's educational success???

Find a good tutor!!!

photo: Professor Tibby (mine)

Graduations & Weddings...

2006-06-01T14:10:09Z

(NO the baby bird is NOT getting married (BITE your TONGUES!!!))

Can be stressful, uncomfortable and face it, BORING! (can you say 700 names to announce?)

A lot of people skip the ceremonies, or leave as soon as they've seen what THEY want to see (why are people so self-absorbed and rude?)

But to me, even though they can be all those things... (Yes I was hot, yes I got TIRED after about name 254 (ok my kid was in the top quarter of names called)) I am grateful for them because they serve as a reality check... By trying to inspire the target audience one last time, they provide a reminder to the rest of us of the things we forget about most of the time in our day to day struggle to get by... They provide an opportunity to take time to remember what is really important...

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Reset... recharge... move forward...