March 2006 Archives

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really wanna zigazig ha!

Have you ever been manipulated?

Have you ever felt like maybe you were being manipulated, but weren't sure?

Manipulation is hard work and it requires the manipulator to expend alot of energy controlling the inflow and outflow of ideas that might undermine the illusion they are trying to create...

When I was working on my MBA we had a lot of group projects (yeah yeah, that's what MBA students do, they learn to play nice together...), and in one of the projects the professor wanted each person in the group to provide feedback about the others including how much they participated and how their teammates felt they did...

One person protested loudly saying that kind of approach would 'undermine the team'... and that the 'entire team should be graded as a whole'...

Yeah... turns out that guy didn't actually DO any of the work...

Hmmmmmm... No wonder he didn't want his teammates to 'tattle' on him... (I wonder if they did?)

I've often wondered about that approach...

I find it interesting when people seem to feel that it doesn't matter what the people around them really think, as long as they don't call them on it...

photo: wirelessdigest.com lyrics: Spice Girls (In retrospect, I don't see what all the fuss was about...)

That's what I feel like...

Like all the energy inside me is coiled up tightly and ready to fly off in all directions...

Like there is so much building up inside me that I can't sit still...

I wonder if this is how the trees feel?

It's good day to run and jump and get things done...

If I were a bird I would have the urge to fly someplace far away... as fast as I could...

I wonder if I would return to the same places...

Year after year...


photo: unesco.org

And DON'T tell me it's gonna snow again...

Cause I just don't CARE!!!



photo: justinsomnia.com

I shouldn't do this to myself...

My love is pure...

I know better...

I saw an angel... of that I'm sure...

I rarely love a song the first time I hear it...

You're beautiful...

Yet sometimes...

You're beautiful...

Something about a song...

You're beautiful... it's true...

Pierces me right through...

I saw your face in a croweded place...

Makes me think about things I don't want to think about...

and I don't know what to do...

But then...

cause I'll never be with you...

Such things will not be denied...

There must be an angel with a smile on her face...

They just won't...

But it's time to face the truth... I will never be with you...

photo: myvillage.com
lyrics: James blunt

St. Patrick's Day edition:



In the movies you can go from chasing leprechauns to chasing intergalactic bad guys... and no one notices...

Oh, and no one will out you for being a former leprechaun chaser...

And strangely enough... chasing bad guys gets you the girl...

But so does chasing leprechauns...

Go figure!!


photos: www.andrewnixon.com/movies/ & ruggedelegantliving.com

I remember the good ol' days...

When everything was...

Well... better...

You know what I mean... When I was a kid:

• I could run all over my neighborhood playing with my friends and my only requirement was to come home when the streetlights came on...
• When we went trick-or-treating, it was for hours... after dark... and no grown-ups went along... you just ran from house to house as fast as you could
• Cartoons were cool, comic books were cool, bikes with banana seats and sissy bars were cool... And foot-long ropes of Bub's Daddy bubblegum, now THAT was cool!!

I could go on and on...

And most likely, so could you...

And if you ask my daughter, or my mother... you'll get a different list... of things that were 'better'...

Which makes me wonder... what will be remembered of the good ol' days that are now???


photo: wesclark.com

Expending all it's energy into the feeding of the flame...

Until you blow it out...
And a tendril of smoke rises...
A last reminder...
Of what once was...

A sad thought...

Until you remember that a candle that has been burned...
Lights much more quickly the next time around...




photo: Peter Wienerroither

Do people insist on giving me advice I didn't ask for??

Especially about situations they don't really understand anyway?

Is it just a way to make small talk?

Or do they really think they know my situation better than I do???


photo: blackjackinc.com

And panic is hovering around the edges of my awareness...

Somewhere out there... the life I asked for is waiting for me...

And if I take it... the life I wasn't aware enough to know I wanted will slip away...

It doesn't stop me from moving forward... it just keeps me looking over my shoulder to see if I should backtrack...

Just a bit...

Eventually though, I reach the high cliff... and know...

It's time to jump...

Yet again...


photo: toby.spacetown.com

photo: mine

In the movies, everything that happens no matter how seemingly insignificant, is somehow connected to everything else...

In complicated ways that you won't understand completely... till the end...

Wait...

What was the subject of this post???


photo: jsonline.com

My child (aka babybird aka the perfect one) has always been a really good student, but she's never been what we affectionately refer to as a 'homework extra credit girl'...

She preferred to have a life with her education...

However, partway through tenth grade she 'got religion' and started to get serious about high school and planning for college... and once while we were discussing the high-cost of a college education I jokingly said 'If you get a full scholarship I'll buy you a car...' Well she rolled her eyes at me and we both went on about things, and forgot about that little crack...

Until yesterday, when she opened THE LETTER... The one stating that she has been awarded a full-tuition academic scholarship to the University of Michigan...

I kept reading and re-reading the letter trying to find the 'catch'... I even called the Financial aid office this morning so they could tell me 'Yes, it's true!!!'

It's their highest scholarship...

She ROCKS!!

I'm SO proud!!!

For boys...

I KNOW... It's TRUE...  Like it or not...

Some of the most GLARINGLY STUPID things on my list-of-stupid-things-that-I-have-done are there because of a boy... (Oh c'mon you know you've done it!!)

These things continually come back to haunt me...

Like the time my high-school boyfriend was over and my mom let me know that another friend of mine (who had moved away but was back in town for the day) had called and was going to stop by... So my then boyfriend, who was a PAIN in the ass about all my friends (in the way that insecure people can be) said if she was coming over he was leaving... So what do *I* do (in my infinite teenaged wisdom)?? I GO WITH HIM aaaaaaaaaaargh!!

Needless to say she was hurt and pissed (the flames of which were fanned by my OWN MOTHER (who didn't like the boyfriend (hmmm)) and I haven't heard from her since...

I've always felt bad about that...

But TODAY a fabulous friend reminded me, via her post about heartbreak, about the time (how could I have forgotten THIS??) many years prior, when this same 'friend' called to GLEEFULLY inform me that she was now dating the boy we BOTH liked at the time...

I believe her exact words were 'I won!'

How we managed to stay friends after that (and I managed to forget THAT whole incident), I'm not sure (except maybe that she didn't date him that long and he wasn't much of a catch anyway...)

Still... in the grand karmic scheme of things...

Take THAT bitch!!!

Now get OFF my list...  I have better things to beat myself up about!!!


photo: rottentomatoes.com

Ok so it's a good idea in theory...

Comfy chairs... Wireless... Lots and lots of COFFEE...

SEEMS like a good idea...

So why is it that I get absolutely NOTHING done when I go there to work???

One word...

Showtunes!!!!!!!!

And not just ANY showtunes... But Starbucks branded showtunes (purchase NOW)...

Are you with me on this one???





photo: starbucks.com and Google

Will you tell me you already ate?

Cause that would suck...





photo: Victorian Trading Company

Linen...

Sunshine and clouds...

The beauty part of having a hmmmm... challenged childhood... is that you don't miss it that much...

Life just keeps getting better... but perhaps that's because I expect it to... in the most demanding and purposeful way...

Although there is still snow in the ground... I can see (in the quality of the light maybe?) that spring is not far away, so the snow is all bluster and stalling... and it doesn't have the same grip it does in late November...

The calm and still on a sunny Sunday morning is far different from the calm and still late at night when you've been alone with your thoughts too long...

When I see movies or read stories about love that is 'meant to be' but somehow isn't I feel like my heart will shatter... It just doesn't seem RIGHT somehow... I used to deal with those kinds of things by making myself not care... it only works sporadically and temporarily, but it DOES get you past the 'jump off the roof' stage...

The bone-deep ache for something that 'should have been' has never stopped me from making the most of 'what is'... In fact, I think it has made me better at grasping those opportunities... I think that's the way it's supposed to work, but you would think that it would neutralize the pain somehow... it doesn't...

Right now, at this moment, I stand at the center of a vortex of swirling energy... It's arms reach farther than I can see...  If your goal is to extend your energy past your own lifetime, you do things very differently than if you're only interested in what happens in the here and now...

My coffee is cold, and the kids are stirring...

Time to come back to the present...


photo: mine

In the movies... if you screw up really badly...

You just keep doing stupider and stupider things until they somehow ALL magically cancel each other out and everyone lives happily ever after...


photo: idiotsavant.com/bueller/pictures.htm

So you are wondering...

Who am I? 

Am I willing to give clues???

Truthfully, not very easily...  Though there are clues throughout this place... deep images of who I really am...

I realize they are not easy to interpret... and that, perhaps, is the biggest clue of all...

People see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear... or so the Rock Man says...

What do you see?

From my perspective I am impatient, stubborn and private.  I have a poised, conservative appearance and demeanor so it tickles me to pop out of it unexpectedly and shock someone by offering a glimpse of the firery depths hidden just out of sight.  They are not hidden because I haven't come to a place in my life where I can express myself freely.  They exist for their own purpose and I have no real need for them to be on display...

Unless it amuses me for some reason...

Like many introspective people, what is inside is far larger than what you see from the outside...

So really... it's impossible to give any DECENT picture in just the span of a few sentences...

But I see the world as a never-slowing swirl of energy... I love to learn new things, to understand new concepts... I want to know how things work, and why...
 
I like to hear what people think, because I can only see things from inside myself, from where I sit... And that's not enough...

For some reason, I don't mind sharing this with you (and you and you)... but I quickly tire of hearing myself blather...

So if you want to know more... just ask


photos: mine

In with the good air...
Out with the bad...
Blue sky...
Blue sky...
Blue sky...

Today: More clean-up, organization, wrapping-up of loose ends...
Next week: Foot steps down on stone of blue...



photo: Flickr Creative Commons
title lyric: The Beatles (duh!)

Even if you don't intend/want to?

Have you ever been confronted with a situation, or a person, or an 'opportunity'...

And you can tell just by looking at it that you should NOT under any circumstances...

'GO THERE'??

But you find yourself 'going there' anyway?

What IS IT with that stuff??? Why are some things just SO hard to resist, even when you know you should?


photo: Googled

You're not fooling ME snow... 

I know it's not long for you NOW!!!

(Time to go hunt for robins!!!)






photo: chokecherries on the (still snow-covered) tree in my yard....