January 2006 Archives

To get pulled over for speeding on your way to traffic court...

Unfortunately I didn't think about this until I sped past the police officer who, luckily for me, was otherwise occupied with some other poor speed-happy citizen...

The final score?

48th District Court: $130
Deepblue: 0 (points HAHA!!)

And only an hour to get through the whole process too..

Not a bad start to the day... (Now where are those chocolate-covered devil's food doughnuts??)


photo: Google public domain

I step in and I am light too...

The river flows through my open fingers...

As I crouch at the edge and watch it go by...

I see my fingers stretch out and become part of the river... flowing away... then my arms...

My body follows, but my feet... they stay on the edge... to keep me in the here and now... to give me someplace to return to... Maybe I'll tie a kitestring around my ankle... that way I can find my way back... I anchor the string to the edge so I don't get lost and flow into the river...

Strangely though, as soon as my feet leave the bank the river changes... it's no longer flat but spirals up into the distance over my head... I can see everything and everything is still... nothing moves... there is nowhere to go because I'm already there... everywhere... all at once...

I take in as much as I can hoping I can remember it later... wondering why it's so hard to remember... while the river is flowing... what is really important...

I look for my kitestring and see that it no longer leads back but ahead and is no longer a string but an infinite number of strings, and how shall I choose which one to follow?? I reach out my hand to the string I want and it pulls me forward at blinding speed until suddenly I'm back on the bank watching the river flow through my fingers... only they're different fingers... diffused... and the river doesn't flow around them but through... right through...

I can't remember... all the things I wanted to remember... but it's alright... I remember they're there... somewhere...


For my guide...
photo: Google public domain

There are many things that make sense but are difficult to put into words...

It's sometimes hard to remember WHY you chose the path you chose...  But the WHY is often even more important than the WHAT...

It's best to have a high place where you can go and look out over what as has been and what could be and actually SEE...  It's hard to see when you are down on the path, especially when the dust kicks up and clouds your vision...

If necessary bring a step ladder with you so you can get up just a little higher, no matter where you are...


photo: Flickr Creative Commons

You open your hand and a glowing white drop falls from it...

Down... down... down...

Between the jagged edges of a very narrow cliff...

Surprisingly, it doesn't hit anything, even though you can hear the wind whistling through the crevices from somewhere...

Down down down till you can't see it anymore and still it falls...

You know it's still falling because you haven't felt it hit yet...

And you know you will...

Still, what you can't see is the rushing torrent of glowing white water far beneath the boundaries of your vision...

The drop falls into the river and is swept away...

You feel a wrenching when the drop hits as though you should not have let it go...

Still, water cannot be held onto, and gravity cannot be trusted...

Far away in the rushing current, the drop tumbles and spins, not sure anymore where it ends and the rest of the water begins...

As such the drop becomes as much the river as it ever was a single drop...

Better to be an entire river than a single drop held tightly in an unhappy hand...

Not knowing this you step to the edge and dive in after it...

Thinking all the way down that perhaps this wasn't what you had in mind after all...


Written on September, 2 2005 and reposted by request (sorta)
photo: Google public domain

Will I fall? Or fly?

Will the path that twists around out of view be the one I am looking for?

Or has evolution learned, like any good dictator, that the best way to get me to do something...

To put my whole being into it...

Is to place within my consciousness the drive to search for something more...

To make me think that there is an end to this means... That I am doing this for me, because I must... because I want to... because I will find what I am looking for...

Is it destiny?  Or chemical trickery?


photo: news.bbc.co.uk

I need them back...

I'm not a jigsaw puzzle or a 'collect them all' prize in a box of cereal...
You can't just keep the pieces that interest you and then ignore the rest...

It doesn't work like that...

The holes are still there... the pull will be too..
You may not believe it (it CAN be ignored)
for awhile...
forever is a long time...
I'll probably never know...
I still think I'm right...

Get out of my head...

Maybe this is my issue...
Maybe you've already given them back...
Maybe they just don't fit anymore...
Maybe I wish you still had them...
Maybe I'd rather not care...


Words from another time...
photo: Google Public domain

Photo: Dries Buytaert

I think that you should appear before me suddenly and unexpectedly...
Offering clarity in my search for purpose and meaning...

I think that you should speak to me with words and images that cause everything to fall into place and finally make sense...
And when you spread the map of my greater purpose before me...
You will notice to your amazement that it's almost exactly like the one I already have in my pocket...
And that I have already somehow in my unelightened wisdom, chosen the path that was 'meant' for me...

Because I want, I NEED a higher purpose...
I just don't want that to detract from what I'm doing right now...

And really, don't you think that's more efficient???
 

photo: Google public domain

Sometimes it overtakes me in great choking waves... and I have to sit still for a few moments to compose myself...

You have been with me longer than almost anything else I know and I have spent alot of time analyzing this...

What it was...
Where it could go...
Why it was so overwhelming...
How to get more of it...
Why I couldn't...
Why it hurt so much...
How to make it go away...
Why it wouldn't...
How to live with that...
How to fit what was possible into a life already filled to the brim...
How to accept that there won't be more...
How to joyously embrace and enjoy what is...

And now finally... most days... it is calm... peaceful... comforting... something that is mine forever...

One of my deepest sorrows...
One of my greatest joys...

When I see you a blanket of stars covers me in my bed...

lyrics: Counting Crows
photo: suda.co.uk/gallery/images/

If maybe you're inherently broken?

Like maybe the very things that make you YOU, things you like, things you wouldn't change...

And maybe things you would...

Are because of some fundamental flaw in your basic make-up?

That perhaps if you were not flawed in this invisible but basic way, then you would not see garish things that stand out in a sea of self-satisfied ordinariness?

That you would be satisfied to carry out the simple things that your lot in life seems to demand?

And if you follow the line of thinking that says this could very well be true...

And you like who you are, and what you've done...

Does it make you afraid for who you might've become if you hadn't been accidentally knocked off the shelf that day???



photo: Flickr Creative Commons

The places you visit are beyond beautiful...
Beyond desolate...

The people you meet...
Slide with inky blackness into your soul...

Turning over the chairs...
Chasing away the demons...
That were only doing their jobs in the first place...

The water you sail over has a crystal clear depth promising treasures beyond belief...
And if you fall into it... you may very well find them...
Or drown trying...

This is not despair...
These are words to fill holes...

I'm just not sure how many there are...

But if my life is for rent
And I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have
Is truly mine

- Dido

Reposted from 'the other place'
photo: Google public domain

My neighborhood...

Is a pristine, shining example of glorious perfection…
Where every blade of grass is the proper height and every tree sings a song…
And my neighbors make it their life’s work to ensure that the unmarred beauty of our jewel of the Midwest…


Remains…
 
Unmarred…
Shining…
Perfect…

And then…

There is my house…

It’s not that we don’t make an attempt…
It’s not that I don’t enjoy glorious perfection as much as the next person…

It’s just that the OTHER fully grown person in my house doesn’t feel QUITE the same way about things…
 In fact, if you ask him, our house doesn’t HAVE an outside…
And I’m just not willing to do it all by myself… ‘nat gennnah dew’t’…

SO… Imagine (if you will) my shock and amazement this morning…
We were out shoveling snow at the crack of 10:30 (a feat I managed though skillful negotiation (i.e. if you want ME to help, lets do it NOW))…
When I heard a voice in the distance say, ‘See, THEY’RE shoveling…’

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! We have been transformed (instantly) into an example of Nag-itude!!!

My life will never be the same!! (Well, at least until weed season starts!!! ;) )


photo: Google public domain

The sweetness still stands out...

If you relax your vision... soften your ears...
The garish shouting fades to the background...

And the pure sweet tones of what is truly important wind through your awareness like a song you forgot to listen to...

Like jeweltone purple in a sea of grey...



photo: Flickr Creative Commons

Originally written on August 14, 2005 and posted to... well you know the drill

It has been established that I don't perceive things the same way other people do... I'm not just talking about different ways of thinking and behaving (though God knows there's plenty of THAT!!)

I'm talking about actual perceptions... tasting colors, perceiving feelings as tactile sensations, and seeing sounds...

It's not just that I'm a little on the strange side, there's a name for it: Synaesthesia

In any case, one of the strongest manifestations of this for me is seeing sudden loud sounds as flashes of light... It happens mostly when I'm just starting to fall asleep but can still hear what's going on around me... I see the sounds usually as a blue-white flash, though sometimes I see shapes and pictures in the flash...

Today was different... I can't even remember what I was thinking about... now... as I was falling asleep, I know I was having some kind of half-dream thought pattern when there was a sudden noise from downstairs (a pan clanging maybe?)

The sound flashed behind my closed eyes and I saw a picture, more clearly than I have ever seen one before...

It was a square like a postcard... a top down view of a lawn... and there was a circular raised area to one side where some of the grass had worn away...

It looked like a colorized black and white photograph, most of it was black and the usual light blue, but the places where the grass had worn away were acid-wash yellow... and there on the other side of the postcard was she...

In a forties-style one piece bathing suit, with shoulder-length dark hair... She lounged back on her elbows and her legs were crossed at the ankles... She was looking away and I couldn't see her face...

But who was she and why could I see her at all? I'm sure I've never seen a photograph like it...

Chance? Strange chemical reaction?

Then why does she haunt me so???


photo: Google public domain

Ever get one of those??  Haha!! FRIKKEN irritating isn't it??


'Haha honey, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.  I know what I'm doing...'

'And it's OK...'


sigh...


photo: Google public domain

I have the coolest glasses...

Just like the ones in the picture...  If you look closely you can see that the bottom is rounded...

It works best if you hand it to someone who is engaged in some kind of... uh... engaging social activity... (Chatting up the new girl from the office perhaps??)

The real fun is when they (still in the middle of attempting to impress the new girl (who is attempting to suppress a yawn)) reach over and set the glass down...

And it tips (hehe)

Instant freak out and diving for the 'tipping' glass...
Then cut to the host(ess) shrieking with laughter... 
Unless of course they actually DO knock the glass over in their haste to catch it...

Then it's just another good joke gone bad...


photo: Crate & Barrel

Hot Cocoa!!!
Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!


This non-introspective moment brought to you by Godiva

To enjoy the present...

The air is calm and quiet...  And the gently falling snow whispers to me to be still...
To breathe deeply...
And to be aware of the subtle nuances of my life as it is now...

Because I won't have this now tomorrow...


photo: a tiny slice of my now...

{Wandering down a path of a different sort}

In the darkness, the way you can differentiate 'you' from 'not you', really the only way, is whether you can feel both sides of the touch...

The thing that's so nice about touching someone else... about feeling your skin against theirs is that you can only feel them, you can't feel yourself touch them...

That's how you know you're not alone... that's how you know there is something out there besides yourself...

It's wonderful... one of the best feelings there is... skin on skin...

So, when I think about God, I think about knowing everything... and if you were to know everything, if you could feel at all, you would feel everything...

There would be nothing outside yourself... no skin on skin...

No one who is 'not you'...

I think that would be very lonely indeed...

Reposted from that OTHER site

photo: Google public domain

Relationship tilt-a-whirl...

Clingfilm lives that can be peeled off and pressed someplace else...

Don't like the green plastic head of household? Well just peel 'em off and look for one in blue...

Does anything ever last?

People are great at giving advice, but can anyone really have enough experience at living life to actually provide valid wisdom??

If you've had a string of relationships do you really know how to make one last?

If you've only had one or two was it good planning?  Luck?  Stubborness?

I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life... and for longer than ever before...

Am I smarter?  Am I lucky?

How can I tell???


photo: Michael Jenner

To be in the company of others implies an agreement to fit inside a circle... The confines of which are determined by those already there...
 
To enter one must adjust, or attempt to change the circle to fit one's own purpose...

To be in a very large group requires a very broad definition with little room for texture...

Smaller groups are more forgiving... or is it less forgiving...

Of anomolies...

When having to choose between the ache of lonliness...
And the crushing flatness of having to become something I'm not...

The choice is usually simple...


photo: Flickr Creative Commons

Red shrieking drama...
Injustice, ridiculous posturing...
Baiting, switching, crowing...

Somehow I just can't bring myself to...

Care...

It's not real anyway... none of it is...
Except the energy draining and draining and draining

Away...

(If it's all a circle, why does it matter where you stop the wheel of enlightenment anyway???)


photo: tucows.com

And things I will never do again...

Sitting next to the Make-Your-Own-Sundae bar at Max & Erma's falls under BOTH categories!!!

I'm not sure I've ever seen more:

Accidents waiting to happen
Sleeves coated in ice cream
Life-threatening disappointments
Food as potential weapons
Badly behaved children
Even more badly behaved parents
-and-
People oblivious to the mess they were leaving for someone else


All I can say is...

Stick with the cookies!! Mmmmmmmmmm


photo: Flickr Creative Commons

We just don't know...

But sometimes I get to see glimpses of them...  unexpectedly...
In the questions and songs and stories of people who understand more than they think they do...

And I get to travel for a time between worlds and through reality...
And I get to see things that later are very difficult to put into words...

But I try anyway, because when I succeed... even a little...

The rush is better...

Yes better...

Than chocolate...


photo: Flickr Creative Commons

I'm really really... uum... obsessed...

Obsessed?

You know with this whole blogging thing... I can't stop...  I think it about it all the time... click... refresh... click... refresh...  I used to think...

Yes?

Well I used to blame it on that other site... there were technical problems all the time and it took FOREVER for anything to post... so I figured...  Well I blamed that... the wanting to be SURE my comments stuck... that my posts didn't disappear...

But it's not that?

Well no... it's... I just can't stop... everytime I see something or DO something I think... 'I should blog this'... I'm not living life... I'm BLOGGING it!!  What should I do??

Hmmmm.... Well...

What? Tell me??

Well, to be perfectly honest, it's just a bit awkward you see...

Awkward?

Well, I AM your therapist... but... well lets be frank, I'm also your BLOG... Don't you think it would be kind of self-defeating on my part to actually help you get better?? I mean that would be like a double-whammy on my part!!!

ooooh... damn...

I got some new plug-ins today...


photo: One Street Many Stories: Queen

...is a beautiful place but very dangerous…
At least that’s what the butterflies say…
The bees keep their secrets to themselves, unless they have some reason to share…
A river winds through it which carries all the voices of the garden and the forest beyond…
If you dangle your fingers in it, you just might hear them…

What the bees won’t tell you is that if you listen too long, you might just forget to stop…
And after a time, the vines will cover you over and when they flower you’ll become another pleasant place for someone to rest…

And maybe listen to the river…

 
‘That’s the story the butterflies told you?’, she laughed.
‘They are like children around a campfire… always trying to scare themselves…’
‘But here you have walked a long way… you must be tired…’
‘Sit down next to the river… ‘
‘The water is sweet… you can taste it if you like…’

‘Unless you’re worried about the butterflies…’

 
photo: Bilder Echsen Jesus lizard runninng on water

By the box of Godiva chocolates sitting right there within arm's reach!!!

CURSE the Platinum Collection (AND those after-Christmas sales)!!!




help!!



photo: Amazon

{Originally written on August 11, 2005 and posted to... that OTHER site }


The vampire began following her someplace around 4th and Main… She sensed his presence almost immediately and quickened her step but he was always right there behind her…

She slipped down an alley only to find herself cornered… ‘I’ve been watching you’, he said, ‘Don’t be afraid…’ And when he reached out to touch her, she did not move away…

She felt the energy draining from her… it really didn’t take long… the energy she carried within herself at any one time was small… the air began to darken… she grew limp and still…

Then she thought, ‘enough…’

There next to her a bright line of energy ran through the air… she reached out and touched it…

His eyes flew open in shock when it hit…

Wave after wave building in intensity until there was nothing but searing, white hot pain…

She screamed without sound as she sent it coursing through him… Deep, raging, pure delight… His screams were not quite so silent…

The torrent grew in intensity, scorching everything in its path…

And again she thought, ‘enough…’

In the sudden stillness, his ragged breathing was the only sound…

‘There is energy everywhere’, he gasped…

She laughed that quiet laugh...

‘There always is…’


photo: Google public domain

She wasn't sure how she'd gotten here... or rather... she knew HOW she'd gotten here...
She just wasn't sure where here WAS...

Or what it was...

The colors were bright, and the landscape seemed to shift and change around her...
It was an idyllic setting with an imprint of something... that was...

Just not right...

A cloud of butterflies drifted by and as she looked closer she noticed... wings as sharp as razors... feet that could scratch and cut...

Pretty things, but not to be trifled with... 

And just outside her vision, a flash... an impression of claws and teeth and energy bunched in muscles of steel...

In the distance a pond, whose shore was ready to give way if one were to step too close...

And all around a feeling of heavyness, as if the entire place was pushed out of itself just a little...



Still...

She was not alarmed...

She sank to the ground... held out her hands...

And waited...




photos: Google public domain & sounkyo.net

Though from time to time I can still see movement down in the murky depths of my despair (oh the melodrama!! ) for the most part, at the present time I float on top of it... bouncing along on the firm surface tension of lengthening days...

It's not surprising, nor is it unusual to feel so differently than at other, darker, times of the year... but still it piques my curiosity and I think about the difference...

I wish I could capture this safe, bouyant feeling and call it up at times when I am so heavy that I sink like a stone and struggle just to breathe...


photo: Judy Pezdir

Leftover beef stirfry (homemade)...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!

(It's especially comforting since I didn't cook the ORIGINAL dish in the first place!!!)




photo: Google public domain

Than being understood perfectly... and yet STILL not being agreed with...

And how do I know I am understood?

If I am able to make my ideas clear...  if you can grasp the meaning in my words...

And yet...

You still don't agree with me...

Then what does that say for the validity of my thoughts???

Perhaps I should just continue to explain myself...

Until you agree...

photo: subgenius.com

I AM!!

Watch me...

Here I go...

One...
Two...
Three...

d'OH!!!

For REAL this time now!!  I have more PRODUCTIVE things to do!!!

Finally!!!

I love Christmas... I DO!!


I love buying gifts (can you say Amazon???)...
I love the lights and decorations...
I love getting together with friends...
Did someone say FOOD???

But...

I hate...

hate
hate
HATE

Taking all the decorations down and putting them away...

(One year I we left our tree up through FEBRUARY!! (Hey, no kids no furniture no harm no foul right???))

But as of today, it's done!!!  My house belongs to me again, and not the the neurotic north pole elves from HELL (yay ME!!)


photo: Evil Elves

I SO want to be the White Witch...

One taste of my turkish delight and you're HOOKED...

Forever!!

And if you PISS me off???

POOF!!

Turned to stone!!!


photo: Disney via Star Online... tried to link directly to the official site but I think Jadis petrified it before I got there!!

You will probably find the erstwhile slattern HILARIOUS!! 

In a fit of nostalgia I cracked open my box of old journals and notebooks and got to reading. I was struck by my sincerity in justifying the myriad bad decisions I made as a teenager, and found it so sad, but the kind of sad that would be hysterically funny if it were someone else's journal I was reading. So here you go. Enjoy!

I think I'm hooked...


photo: Lisa Welchel, shamelessly stolen from the profile of tits mcgee, I have no idea where she got it... (I SO wanted Lisa's hair as a teen!!)

Saw that in a blog comment today...

Ok, it didn't exactly SAY that...
But the gist was there...

And I thought wow...

That's the same as saying 'I admire ME'...  Which I suppose one could do (and probably does)...

But I wonder how many people actually realize that that when they think they are admiring someone, what they are really doing is reinforcing what they consider their own strong points...

So my question is, would you still admire someone if they're like you only BETTER??  How about if they're like you only not QUITE as good??


photo: Pablo Picasso (Spanish, 1882-1973), Girl Before a Mirror, 1932

It was the title of the book that caught my attention…  Upon closer inspection, the book itself was not all that interesting…

But the title…

Conjures a picture that will not be shaken off…

I swear to God it had to have happened in the fall, though I can’t for the life of me remember…

I’ve been running and hiding ever since…

Why?  I know why…

How could you?  That’s the question that will not be answered…

That hole has shaped the remainder of my life...

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…

Depend on no one…

I have a great life… I like who I am…

When there is a great rush of energy from all around me I can’t even tell it’s there…

But when the inward flow slows down, the hole is still there… and all the energy that’s inside

Leaks out…

And I am empty…

I wrote this post in the fall, but I didn't post it then... It was too painful...  I can't believe I'm posting it now... We'll see how long it stays up...

photo: dave.typepad.com

I just wanna BEAT with a stick!!!

(And not in a GOOD way!!!)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

photo: Flickr Creative Commons

The energy spins from my fingers, blue white sparks spun through threads of gold...

It weaves its way through the cosmos winding its selfish way around the most beautiful prize...

I want you...

I miss you...

When I find you again you will not know what hit you...

Entwined in strands of searing desire...

You will never be completely free again...

I'm sorry...

I know I warned you about what you were getting into...

I know it was not enough...

I don't care...

You're mine...

Forever...


Photo: Flickr Creative Commons

It IS the new year after all isn't it??

Time to purge some of the clutter...  It's gotten to be too much, even for ME!!

I have a hard time getting rid of things...  For a number of reasons...

I have a baby boomers guilt about contributing to landfills by throwing stuff away...
I know that as soon as I get rid of something I'll NEED it... Desperately...

But the main reason...

Is that these things are not just objects... they are memories...  each thing I pull out of the closet, or a drawer or cabinet triggers a recollection... something I'd forgotten about... and the thought of losing that image forever by throwing the object away is usually more than I can bear...

So...

It goes back into it's hiding place until I can't remember why I wanted to keep it in the first place...

photo: Google public domain

I have been on my soapbox a number of times recently...

And to the people who've had to listen to me rant, I apologize...

But selfishness, particularly selfishness involving relationships, has really bothered me lately...

I've seen any number of instances where actions have been justified based on pure selfish need, as though that is any justification at all...  If you are going to be selfish, just do it... suck it up and admit it to yourself, and maybe everyone else... that you are being

Selfish

It especially sets me off when someone selfishly expects another person to be SELFLESS...

To make things easier for them... to continue in their selfishness... without guilt...

To me that is just wrong... and it makes me angry...

ANGRY!!!

but why... why angry?

When I actually scale the icy wall and peer through the frosted window to the past... I see that the selfish person...

Is ME...

And I'm angry... at myself... for having done things that are so blatently wrong that I can't stand when others do them... I'm angry that I didn't learn sooner... and I'm angry that others haven't learned...

At all...

photo: John Thackeray