December 2005 Archives
The light is getting brighter...
I can feel spring lingering just around the corner...
I know, I know... The worst of winter is yet to come...
But today it feels like it's only a matter of time...
The beginning rather than the end...
That trees have a strong caring presence...
That they care for the creatures who take shelter under their arms..
Shel Silverstein knew this when he wrote 'The Giving Tree' (a book I don't like very much btw, because I don't think relationships should BE one directional...)
If mountains are thuderous distant gods, then trees are caring friends and loved ones...
(And no I am not an official 'tree-hugger' but I HAVE actually been known to hug trees...)
When I lived out west, the thing I missed most were the trees...
They were part of the family I longed for when I was gone...
And just like my family, when I get a chance to be among them again, I know how truly lucky I am...
photo: JD Smith
Do you know who it is that really matters to you?
And why?
Do you know how to separate out those whose opinions shouldn't matter?
Whose words should just be part of the general buzz?
Who speak earnest words that are not really meant for you?
Do you know why...
You care?
When it's right...
It feels quiet... easy...
There is equilibrium... no pushing... no pulling...
Just calm...
Peace...
Goodness...
photo: Jen Schultz
There's a flood under the sink...The disposal is broken...
$100 for an installation???
C'mon, we're smart people... We should be able to do this ourselves...
Piece o'cake right??
Right??
photo: Google public domain
Is my pain and anguish easier to look at than my happiness and glee?
Is it embarassing to see me gush and sing?
Or is it just harder to watch the fall from such a height?
Sometimes I find it hard to share either...
I don't want to admit when I've failed... I don't want to make anyone feel bad when I'm ecstatic...
I don't want to BE broken...
I don't want you to feel bad that I'm not...
photo: Flickr Creative Commons
When the gifts are opened...
And everyone is absorbed in their treasures...
Before the phone calls start...
And it's time to get ready for dinner...
In that in-between time...
In the buzz of happy energy...
That's the best part of Christmas to me...
Homemade Eggnog!!!!!!!!!!
yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmy!!
(especially with LOTS of RUM!!!)
Photo: www.christmas-joy.com
If I bind you with cords made of fire and ice...That lay soft against your skin...
Will you struggle like a fly in a web?
Or will you melt soft and yielding...
Into the still-empty places...
That cry out to be filled?
photo: Google public domain
a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Well he didn't EXACTLY say that... what he actually said was...
Et voici maintenant mon secret, un secret très simple ; il est seulement avec le coeur qu'on peut voir correctement, ce qui est essentiel est invisible à l'oeil.
I think...
Anyway...
It IS a very simple secret...
And a good one...
The essence of a person is not always apparent at first glance...
Oh there may be bits and pieces that you recognize immediately, and think to yourself, 'THIS is what I've been looking for...' But those bits...
Those pieces...
Are just a few of the things that make up the essential nature of someone...
I think many people see those pieces and try to fit them into their own idea of who the person should be...
The problem comes...
When more pieces become visible...
And some of them fall outside of expectations or desires...
There is confusion, frustration, an unconscious attempt to push those pieces back inside the circle of who we have defined them to be...
If you're lucky, it works...
But then you're left with who you want them to be...
Not who they are...
photo: Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Comes in many forms...Sometimes it's a picture or a song...
Sometimes it's a reminder that the days are now getting longer and spring is coming...
Sometimes it's a friend who points out that 'half the battle is just showing up'...
Some days life is just GOOD... And I'm glad to be living it!!!
Sometimes it's that I see it coming...And having it actually happen...
Doesn't make me any less sad...
I'd rather have been wrong...
It's not just how you treat me that I'm interested in...
It's how you treat others...
Because that's how you'll treat me... sooner or later...
Why should I think I'd receive better treatment...
Than the last person you cared about?
I am...
Ready to fall off my feet...
Don't make any decisions until tomorrow...
When I can think clearly again...
Right now everything seems to have way more impact than it probably should...
Tomorrow... I'll figure out what to do tomorrow...
It's the occasional brightness that makes the cold bearable...Because the colorful things are so few and far between, when I find them...
I marvel...
These cherries hung on my tree throughout the fall...
And I didn't really notice them...
Until everything else fell away... and they were highlighted by the chill of winter...
Like stepping on broken glass on the beach, I stumbled across your words and they cut me to the bone... They weren't mine, and weren't meant for me but I bled just the same...
Today, I don't care...
Today I feel numb toward that place that screamed out when it's weakness was revealed...
Who cares what you think? Who cares what anyone thinks?
It's a coping mechanism... this not caring...
Interesting in and of itself... If I care too long what others might think, I'll be paralyzed...
Trapped inside my own shortcomings...
Life's WAY too short for that!!!
John Pratt Mosaic
Shatter me sometimes...
I know they're not even meant for me...
I know that in all the excitement and trauma that surrounds you, you probably don't even think about all the people that might be reading them and how they might be affected...
Except when you do...
It must be the blanket of snow that given everything a calm, almost eerie feeling...
Yesterday as I was driving around I couldn't help but marvel at how fresh and beautiful everything looked...
I almost couldn't remember why I dreaded it in the first place...
Almost...
Photo info: the choke cherry tree in my yard after the last snowstorm
And finish putting up my decorations...
I think the kids are starting to wonder if Santa is on strike...
There's a slight panic regarding perceived 'infractions'...
They're trying to get their side in...
I didn't mean to spill the juice all over the floor that day... I was testing my agility by balancing the bottle on my head... I'm a good kid... really...
Heheheh... Maybe this scrooge thing isn't so bad after all...
Photo: Flickr Creative Commons
from things...
I feel...
Not unhappy...
Not depressed...
Just...
Jumbled...
I still love you all though...
and I feel chilly...
When I unfocus my thoughts I'm aware of what is just outside my reach...
Things make sense, at least until I try to focus on them again...
I try to ease my way back gradually... hoping to find the exact point at which the understanding fades away... hoping to hold onto it as long as possible...
It never works...
But I always think it should...
Photo: Google public domain
Some people are just lovely...
Some people are beautiful even in their pain and despair...
Swirling...
Pink and silver clouds...
So convinced that their sadness will taint those they wish to see happy...
Achingly crushingly beautiful...
Sometimes I feel helpless in the face of it...
Torn between wanting to make it all better...
And knowing that even sadness has it's place...
Sometimes...
Photo: Google public domain
Did you know...
That I found a site that has posted the entire...
YES ENTIRE...
Script from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!
I'll NEVER get anything done NOW!!!!!
Photo: Google public domain
So why have I put off my shopping so long?????
motivate... motivate... motivate...
Photo: Google public domain
Sometimes I see someone who is beautiful...
So beautiful...
That I can hardly breathe when I look at them...
Sometimes it's because of what they look like...
Sometimes it's because of who they are or what's inside them...
They are beautiful...
And I don't want anything from them...
I don't want to get to know them...
I don't want them to want me...
I don't even want to talk to them...
I just want to appreciate...
How beautiful they are...
Just a little longer...
Photo: Google public domain
Lets just get into my car and drive...
- Counting Crows
Ever feel...
Heavy and light...
Large and small...
Wire-thin and Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man thick...
All at the same time???
Ever feel...
Quiet and frenzied?
Like a whirling cyclone over a core of pure calm?
Ever wonder how those things can exist all at the same time???
Photo: Google public domain
From Thanksgiving until February...
I am his love slave...
The rest of y'all will just have to take a number until then!!!
Photo: Google public domain
Markers to tell where you are...
How far you've come...
The most important ones are tiny...
Nestled quietly by the side of the road...
I smile as I pass this one...
Not surprised to have made it this far...
But comforted just the same...
photo: Google public domain
Apple Walnut Cake
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!
photo: Google public domain
Because most times when you want to change someone...
It's because you want to make things better...
For YOU...
Not them...
And most people have chosen their behavioral patterns because they work...
For them...
Not you...
People fight for laws and rules and processes and procedures and protocols and mores that play to their own strengths...
That allow THEM to be as successful as possible...
After all, who wouldn't want the best rewards to come from activities they are already good at?
photo: Google public domain
SNOW DAY!!
photo: Google public domain
Imagine all the people HOPING there won't be snow...
To shovel...
Slog through...
Drive in...
Versus all the children WISHING...
For no school...
photo: Google public domain
And I HATE answering my house phone...
So how do you think I feel about telephone surveys???
Especially those designed to lead you down a path...
HAHAHAHA!
(I never answer the way they want me to anyway!!!
photo: Google public domain
They say it's coming!!!
I'm not ready!!!
photo: Google public domain
So little time...
Need a speedboat that can fly!!!
photo: Google public domain
Carrie's down in her basement all toe shoes and twinned
With the girl in the mirror that spins when she spins...
- Counting Crows
Sometimes the sad songs speak to me...
Even though I'm not sad...
I'm happy right now...
Really happy...
But the sad songs... they are so beautiful...
Sometimes I like to remember how sad feels...
Even when I'm not...
photo: Google public domain
Everything feels...
Empty...
Like I woke up in one of those sci-fi movies where everyone disappears all at once...
So I've been tagged to do the 'Name your favorite Christmas song' thing by both Wickedblu and LittleMissFit To list my all time favorite christmas songs...
When my daughter was little (rock her to sleep little) we sang Christmas Carols all year long...
And all the songs had colors...
'What song do you want?'
'Sing the blue one mommy'
So I would sing Silent Night
'Sing the orange one'
Would be a request for What Child is This? and so on...
we would sing...
O Come All Ye Faithful
Angels We Have Heard on High
O Holy Night
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
and my all time favorite:
O Come O Come Emmanuel
We didn't choose the colors, they just were...
And all these years later, I still see them, and my sleeping baby...
when I sing...
photo: Google public domain
Getting ready to dive off again...
An open-handed leap into the abyss...
Wondering what I will find there...
And how it could possibly be better than I have imagined...
Even though I know that these types of leaps always are...
Somehow...
Thank God for the unknown...
photo: Google public domain
